God Is

My friends!!! I just celebrated the 3^rd Anniversary of my 29^th birthday, and had the ass-kicking, name-calling, eat-dirt time of my life. Did I mention there was an element of illegality? So I wake up, and my Eternal Love Queen says, “I have an optional birthday ritual prepared if you’d like to take part.” Rhetorical (though if you know Nicole, trickster-twinged) question, right?

On the kitchen counter I see some dirt, a lighter and a dollar bill, as she reads, “Eat a pinch of dirt to show your solidarity with the Earth.” So I toss it down the gullet and chase with a gulp of water. Pleased with my performance, she continues, “Kick yourself in the ass to affirm your ongoing intention to discipline your shadow.” I hesitated, though obliged. She adds that my loved ones will continue to spank my buttocus 32 times today while announcing a new name. She initiates me, proclaiming, “Shameless Shaman! Helping Head! & He who glows suspectingly like a laser beam!!!” So I got the first 3 ass-kickings out of the way, with more to come.

The day progressed brilliantly with a yoga class, Boba tea, and Oriental foot reflexology. When our friends met us at our favorite neighborhood Middle Eastern restaurant, Doobies (Doobie is an Israeli guy about our parents’ age and wears a shirt that says, I’m the Doobie, and No, you can’t smoke me), my cohorts continued the birthday ritual. I was lovingly smacked many times while learning I was to be, “Gilligan Guru, Father McFrugel, Eagle Sunrise, Syrupy Baby, and he Who loves without Shame and loves with all his Brain!” among others.

Nicole finally told us about the lighter and dollar bill, saying “Burn this money to purify your relationship with wealth.” I said no problem. Then she paused and realized she had to up the ante so it’d be a greater sacrifice. On our way back home CG donated a ten and I was renamed again, “he who Wishes to be Cleansed and is Shiny.”

At home, I ripped the $10 bill into pieces, set it afire and dropped it in our abalone smudge pot. As the end of the flames puffed out, I spied in the remaining ashes and asked my friends to see what is left after I’d purified my relationship with wealth. Todd was the first to see the only legible word that remained and enthusiastically answered “’God’ is!” ‘God’ was quickly grabbed out of the ashes and placed under a magnet on our refrigerator.

This, my greatest birthday yet, reminds me of a line from the movie, Into the Wild, “Happiness is not real unless it is shared.” Thank you for reading this and sharing my happy memories.